Charlie Sheene is my Hero

How about Charlie?

Gets a job playing HIMSELF!

A womanizing alcoholic who lucks into everything good in life....

And when he gets pissed off with the producers and tells them how it is, they replace him with a shadow of himself, then goes and produces his OWN show (Anger Management) in conjunction with Emilio Estevez (his bro).

For that reason Charlie you are my hero.

Now in relation to the blog I'll refer to an episode where all Charlie says is: “I understand.”

His brother's ex wife has dramas: “I understand”

It's all they want to hear.

DON'T SOLVE WOMENS PROBLEMS, THEY''LL HAVE NOTHING TO GAIN SYMPATHY OVER!

When they complain that their former bestie has sold them up the river bitching about her to her other former bestie, just say “I understand”

Nod your head when you do this and remember, the less you say, the wiser you appear.

When they've had a hard day: “Oh, you poor thing.”

When they had a flat tyre and their phone was flat and they couldn't call roadside assistance, DON'T say: “Well, if you'd had your car charger in your car you would have been alright.”

DO say: “Oh, you poor thing...”

It doesn't matter what's happened in the past. It's the past.

She doesn't want a Monday Morning Quarterback, she's had a tough time or a bad day and she just wants to be hugged. She thinks she's smarter than you and you only disturb her beliefs if you tell her what she should have done.

Hookers, funny name, funny job.

Hookers, funny name, funny job.

Many ascribe an eponymous origin to this term, meaning prostitute. General "Fighting Joe" Hooker may have been many things, but he did not lend his name to the oldest profession. Hooker commanded the Army of the Potomac for five months in 1863. His men were a rowdy bunch and his headquarters was a den of iniquity. Charles Francis Adams, Jr., grandson of John Quincy Adams and great-grandson of John Adams, said Hooker's headquarters was: “a place where no self-respecting man liked to go, and no decent woman could go. It was a combination of barroom and brothel.”

Bartlett, in his 1859 work, speculates that the term originates from Corlear's Hook, a disreputable section of New York City, but most modern sources discount this as unlikely for lack of evidence.

Hooker is also British slang for a thief. A prostitute's penchant for supplementing her income with little thievery on the sly could have led to the common usage of the term.

Hooker is also slang for an old boat (from the Dutch hoecker-schip, or fishing boat). It could have gone the way of tramp, as in tramp steamer.

The most probable explanation is that a prostitute is one that hooks or snares clients.

But we should not let old Fighting Joe completely off the hook, as it were. Civil War historian Bruce Catton writes:
[Although] the term 'hooker' did not originate during the Civil War, it certainly became popular then. During these war years, Washington developed a large [red-light district] somewhere south of Constitution Avenue. This became known as Hooker's Division in tribute to the proclivities of General Joseph Hooker and the name has stuck ever since.

http://www.wordorigins.org/wordorh.htm

If it is as “they” say; The Oldest Profession”, the term is newer than the profession...

Have you ever paid for it?

Let's be honest here, we're all men of the world.

There's no such thing as a free fuck.

Some wise man once said “If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.”

Not that there's anything wrong with consensual sex without the exchange of money, but that's not what we're talking about today.

Hookers are good. I was always surprised that some women could actually do this job...

But NEVER call them Hookers!

You'll never actually meet a prostitute unless you're horny and hanging out bad, drunk late at night when the bad decisions are made.

Prostitutes don't seem to exist during waking hours, they only come out after dark.

I've never met a prostitute during the day.

I met a woman who “worked at a brothel but only answered the phone”.

She was married to a bloke I know.

I didn't have the heart to tell him...

But I have met prostitutes at night, when I was hanging out bad, lonely and drunk. (We've all been there). And I have met them in Thailand when I was partying hanging out horney and drunk!

They can't cure loneliness, they have no magic powers in this area. They can cure horniness (if you're not too drunk to get it up)

What you want is a prostitute who does it because she's a slut. She likes fucking and this is a way for her to make fucking a career.

I have met prostitutes who like to fuck. I have been lucky in that regard. I would say that maybe 10% of the time you'll actually feel better after the call than before. That means 90% of the time you'll feel worse after they visit.

If you are drunk and lonely, don't call a prostitute. They're just going to take your money and leave you feeling lonelier than before.

And guys, women hate prostitution. There is a trap question in every relationship. She'll ask if you have ever been with a prostitute. There is no point being honest here, it doesn't serve any purpose and no good will come of an honest answer.

Sometimes you have to lie to love. Look her in the eye, shake your head and smile as you say one word and one word only: “No”. Pause before you answer, as a reflexively quick answer is perceived as a lie.

Never say “I swear on my mother's grave”, that's a lie too.

I heard a story from a guy who went to Vegas and the group was accosted by a prostitute in the bar.

When questioned as to her occupation, she apparently stated that “She likes to “hang out”” and that “she likes to party”. When repeatedly questioned as to her occupation, she said the same things.

So one of the guys said, “so if you don't work AND you like to hang out and party, would you be a prostitute?” At this, the woman became very upset and denied that she was what she obviously was (namely a prostitute).

It seems that even prostitutes don't like to be called prostitutes...

And when you talk to them,like strippers, they're all students.

I went to University, I NEVER saw any hooker/stripper students!

Just as long as they give me a decent happy ending to a deep tissue massage, they can be whatever they want to be.

The Hosebag

A Hosebag is a male slut. A male version of a female slut.

He fucks everything he can. He's a good looking guy, usually tall, always confident around women and boy, does he get a lot of fucks.

I envy hosebags, I would totally be a hosebag, if I could. But I'm 170cm and borderline obese (according to my body mass index, but what do they know)

A hosebag does not share or refer fucks. He never passes one off to a mate and ALWAYS sankes his mates. Snaking is like “cutting lunch” or “cutting grass”, the hosebag will snake you for a woman who is plain looking, just to prove he can.

I reckon hosebags have a fear of being found out to be dud fucks or have small dicks, cause they never let a mate fuck an ex.

Hosebags need constant reassurance that they're attractive to women, which means they're fundamentally insecure.

Married hosebags will snake a single mate if they get the chance, that's how insecure they are.

We all know a hosebag.

I knew one called “Tim”

Tim was a tall, leonine blonde (who put lemon juice in his hair in summer), played on the school football team and fucked lots of girls.

I was aghast to hear him laughing about fucking a girl up the arse so hard that her head kept banging loudly against the bed-head! This was so long ago I didn't even know that men had anal sex with women and Tim was already butt-fucking the shit out of some slut!

This was so long ago I can't remember her name, but she's probably someone's mother now, in her early fourties...Remember, they're all sluts except for our mothers...

Despite having a good head more height than me, when I tried to close the deal with some girl and Tim was there, I'd get snaked... why couldn't he get someone else? What did he have to prove?

Obviously Tim was insecure. He must have had massive issues.

One night at a party (when Tim had a steady girlfriend), I was on a hot streak.

I'd made out with one girl earlier, but couldn't close the deal and she had left to go somewhere else (probably where she could fuck a better looking bloke). Then I hooked up again with another girl. We'd found a quiet place and she let me finger her to orgasm and repaid me by blowing me.

(In those days (the Eighties) girls would rather blow you than fuck you, I blame the AIDS campaign, but they still swallowed...)

So I've reduced the white count and I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself. I return to the party and get to experience ostracism for the first time. All the friends of mine at the party thought I was a slut. They called me shallow and superficial and some more names I can't remember. They resented my prowess! And I thought I was a hero!

If I'd joined the Navy and flew jets, my squadron-mates would have given me a cool nickname for my success that night.

The biggest irony is that the hosebag was in the forefront of the haters! Tim led the chorus of social derision...

Maybe it was the fact that he had a girlfriend now. Maybe he felt he had to go with the crowd.

It was still one of the best nights of my life...

Tickle her on the Bean

Tickle her on the Bean

I've personally been in this situation.

You're with some chick and you're getting it on and she doesn't want to fuck on the first date.

Some bizarre moral code means she's a slut if she fucks on the first date.

You're a gentleman, you're ready to burst out of your underpants, but you don't EVER want to force a woman to have sex with you.

I'm a misogynist, sure, but I'm NOT a rapist.

You HAVE to get consent.

Heaps of guys in jail have been jailed for failure to get consent. Just ask Julian Assange about this.

These days, with Political Correctness running rampant, you need to get consent for EVERY act you perform with a woman.

Some things you could say are:

“I'm getting really hot here, do you want to take things further?

If she says no, then NO MEANS NO!

I believe that when you're fucking and she gives you that funny look which means “I want you to fuck my ass”, you have to get consent for that too.

I don't want to turn this into a pervert site, so I'll leave the words up to you. 

But you MUST get consent for every act.

Don't just force her head down to your groin, say “I'd really like you to go down on me.”

Then, you're golden.

Closing the deal.

Closing the deal.

You know this scenario:

Your somewhere private with a girl, and she SHOULD give it up but you just can't get in.

You've been cuddling for hours. The underside of your tounge is raw from rasping against her teeth. Your balls are ready to be part of the Blue Man act.

You like her, she likes you.

You know she wants it.

You definitely know you want her. You're a normal guy and she's not just gonna jump your bones.

What do you do?

Fellas, remember this. Learn it and practise it. It's called a CLOSE in car sales.

Look into her eyes, lean in close to her and say these words and these words only:

“You wouldn't still be here if you didn't want to now, would you?”

THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP!

In this scenario, as in ANY close, the first one to speak loses.

The imperative is established, the question is asked and the close is self evident.

After all, she IS still there. 

She wants to do it. 

You just have to coax her across the boundaries of morality.

Even if she IS a slut (and we all know they're all sluts), you can't just say “How about a root?”

She'll let you know.

Guys, you HAVE to ask the question. it's a man's job to ask.

How many partners have you had?

When you're on a first date and the question "how many sexual partners have you had" comes up, there is no right "truthfull"  answer.

In my experience the female answer is ALWAYS more than three, but less than seven. (Except for one who said it was none and I ran like a flock of seagulls song...) If its MORE than seven, they feel like they're a slut ('cause they can't say that their friend Melissa has had more than a hundred at this time without giving the game away, cause they're hanging with a slut.)

ALWAYS. >3 but <7.

Guys, you can't (and shouldn't) count hookers when you answer this question. 

The Oldest Profession is frowned upon by women (even though ALL the hookers I have known were women). Maybe its that hookers put a cash value on something that you don't have to pay for until the divorce. (Make no mistake my son, you ALWAYS pay for sex) More on hookers in a later post...

But I look at it this way, you don't pay prostitutes to sleep with you, you pay them to leave afterwards...

Guys, don't tell the truth on this one. If it's LESS than three, say its three, if it's MORE than seven, say seven. 

But don't say "seven" as soon as she asks, she'll know you're lying!

After she asks (and she ALWAYS will) pause, look up in the air (NOT AT THE GROUND), maybe rub your chin or something and look into her eyes, smile and say "seven, I think, it could be less." Nod a little to, if you want to add a bit more emphasis and believability.

The smile is the teaspoon of sugar that makes the lie accepted. 

People don't smile when they lie...

Tucker Max and Other Urban Myths

Have you read "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" (IHTSBIH) by Tucker Max?

It's a great read. Tucker gives you a lot of laughs in the book.

He also provides some wisdom and perspective that I was lacking.

It's worth a read.

But importantly, you must remember that IHTSBIH is a collection of Urban Sexual Myths.

Excessive use of Astroglide, drinking for effect with a personal breathalyser and Tucker's other stories have a character that would be common to all men, yet impossible for one man to experience.

One anecdote Tucker relates; is a girl who comes to see him for a short visit prior to going on a date. The scenario is "Friends With Benefits" (FWB) and this time she sucks Tucker's cock and then goes on to her date with another man.

When Tucker's booty call girl blows him prior to a date, Tucker strangely begins to feel less of a hero (for getting some chump's future date to blow him) and identify more with the chump himself. How would he know if some woman had fucked someone else, or had some other form of sex with someone PRIOR to Tucker having sex with them?

What if the guy Tucker was laughing at, for kissing the mouth he'd ejaculated into earlier, was really him in a similar scenario?

So let's run with this idea.

I'm sure that I have NEVER been "dirtier" than ANY woman I have had sex with.

Even though I try, I have constantly been surprised by every sweet young innocent thing I have labouriously coaxed and begged into bed.

I've done some shit I haven't exactly been proud of, but it was only to please them... I never realised I was so good at spanking!

"I like it when guys use me" is a good one, I actually had a woman tell me this on our first date. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for a while after that evening, I tell ya.

They're ALL dirty. (Except for our mothers, and more on that later...)

"I'd actually respect you MORE if you did have sex with me on the first date." I said to one young lady (prior to having sex with her), It WORKED. I wanted to fuck her and she wanted to fuck me , so what's the issue here?

No sex 'till the third date. I was a chump who believed that for years...

So, that hot chick, who's mouth wouldn't melt butter (that is, until the lights go out) and who is generous enough to come around and fuck your brains out once a week is doing you a favour. How many other guys could she be doing that favour for?

This gets Tucker thinking, and got me to think about something too.

How much sex could a single attractive woman get, if she wanted?

Could she get as much as she wanted? I'm sure she could.

Overheard in the shops between to teenage girls one day:

 "...but I'm not a slut, because so and so's had more sexual relationships than me."

That's a pretty mobile basement for judgement, isn't it? As long as you know someone who's had more sexual partners than you have, you're not a slut...

If you've had more sexual partners than anyone else in the room, then you're the slut (until you start hanging around with a bigger slut).

What's the definition of a slut?

A women who will fuck anyone.

What's the definition of a bitch?

A woman who fucks everyone but me...

And when you're on a first date and the question "how many sexual partners have you had" comes up, there is no right "truthfull"  answer.

In my experience the female answer is ALWAYS more than three, but less than seven. (Except for one who said it was none and I ran like a flock of seagulls song...) If its MORE than seven, they feel like they're a slut ('cause they can't say that their friend Melissa has had more than a hundred at this time without giving the game away, cause they're hanging with a slut.)

ALWAYS. >3 but <7.

Guys, you can't (and shouldn't) count hookers when you answer this question. 

The Oldest Profession is frowned upon by women (even though ALL the hookers I have known were women). Maybe its that hookers put a cash value on something that you don't have to pay for until the divorce. (Make no mistake my son, you ALWAYS pay for sex) More on hookers in a later post...

But I look at it this way, you don't pay prostitutes to sleep with you, you pay them to leave afterwards...

Guys, don't tell the truth on this one. If it's LESS than three, say its three, if it's MORE than seven, say seven.

But don't say "seven" as soon as she asks, she'll know you're lying!

After she asks (and she ALWAYS will) pause, look up in the air (NOT AT THE GROUND), maybe rub your chin or something and look into her eyes, smile and say "seven, I think, it could be less." Nod a little to, if you want to add a bit more emphasis and believability.

The smile is the teaspoon of sugar that makes the lie accepted.

People don't smile when they lie...

And Girls, if any of you made it this far, I DO empathise with you. I realise you want a committed relationship with a hot wealthy well endowed man.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet a prince...